1. JETS-4-1 (1): For a quarter, the Jets defense made Brett Favre look like Brett Favre. The rest of the time, they made him look like Todd Collins, if Todd Collins was a creepy sex addict. The only way they don’t win 12 games is if Bill Belichick finds a way to spike Mark Sanchez’s Gatorade with heroin before the next drug test. 50-50 chance of that happening? 60-40?
2. STEELERS-3-1 (2): I hate Benn Roethlisberger. Have for years. My hatred is so intense that I once bet on the Cardinals in the Super Bowl. Betting on the Cardinals. In the Super Bowl. That’s ridiculous. Nonetheless, the Steelers are scary good with Big Ben back, even if UPitt have to put the girls’ dorms on lockdown.
3. RAVENS-4-1 (4): A win in New England would launch the Ravens from very good to great and inspire me to write a rambling 4,000 word column on why Joe Flacco is better than Big Ben. My readers are rooting for Tom Brady’s hair.
4. FALCONS-4-1 (5): I’m not certain the Falcons are even good, but they haven’t toppled over drunk yet, so they’re in the driver’s seat.
5. COLTS-3-2 (8)-If they were in the NFC, they’d be the conference favorites.
6. PATRIOTS-3-1 (7): Some theorize that they’ll win without Moss by playing “team ball.” That’s a little hard without a run defense, pass rush, a running game, or a deep threat. How many five-yard slants can Wes Welker run on that fragile knee?
7. SAINTS-3-2 (6): Sunday will be the Bucs Super Bowl when hosting the Saints. So far, the 2010 Saints have resembled the pre-2009 version of themselves, and that team would blow it in Tampa. Which team is this?
8. CHIEFS-3-1 (9): Yeah, they lost, but the rest of the AFC West appears to have Malaria. They can run the ball, and the D impressed vs. the Colts. The Peyton Manning face hasn’t come out so viciously since Manning found out Shaq replaced him in the Double Stuf Racing League. Now, if only they could get Tyler Thigpen back…
9. BEARS-4-1 (12): Anytime your quarterback throws for 32 yards and four picks and you win by 17 in the National Football League, you probably owe someone a rare steak and a blowjob. It’s just proper NFL etiquette, like sexting reporters after a good interview (Peter King loves it). Sounds like Jimmy Clausen’s going to have a fun night, courtesy of Lovie Smith.
10. GIANTS-3-2 (14): The Giants have looked like the league’s most dominant team the past two weeks. Coughlin sends a fruit basket to Tiki Barber for chastising the team and inspiring their recent play—Tiki might secretly be on the Giants payroll. Or he should be. The man needs something to do when he’s not banging NYU interns or letting homeless men rub his head for good luck.
terry-bradshaw-young-150×150 Week Six NFL Power Rankings: Vikings, Cowboys Plummet11. REDSKINS-3-2 (17): Their wins are uglier than the lovechild of Terry Bradshaw and Bette Midler, secretly conceived at a rollerdisco in 1974. That’s right, I’m talking about you, Jay Glazer.
12. EAGLES-3-2 (16): Their defense is worrisome. They made Alex Smith look like Joe Montana in the 4th quarter, which is like making Chris Collinsworth look like George Clooney.
13. PACKERS-3-2 (3): The injuries are mounting like a Brett Favre in heat. They’ve got to go 2-2 vs. the Phins, Vikings, Jets and Cowboys and regroup during the bye at 5-4. It’s probable—three games are at home—but crucial. They can’t afford to fall more than two games behind the Bears.
14. BUCS-3-1 (19)-The upstart Bucs will hop into the Top Ten with a win vs. New Orleans. And delirious Bucs fans will hop into the nearest strip club. Everyone wins! Except morality.
15. TITANS-3-2 (21): They battle the Jaguars for the right to contend with the Colts on Monday Night Football.
16. JAGUARS-3-2 (20): Although even with a win, it’s hard to imagine David Garrard besting Peyton Manning over 17 weeks.
17. TEXANS-3-2 (10): But guess who’s not contending? These guys. Tony Sarigusa sounded like he was about to puke from watching the Texans putrid display against the Giants. But it just might have been the 19 pastrami sandwiches he ate before kickoff.
18. CARDINALS-3-2 (26): They’re 3-2 despite being outscored by 50, play in the NFC West, and took the lead in New Orleans on a scoop and score by a 340 lbs. offensive lineman. I guess it’s better to be lucky than mediocre.
19. CHARGERS-2-3 (11): Apparently, Norv Turner doesn’t pay attention until the beach weather goes downhill. It’s okay: neither do the fans.
20. DOLPHINS-2-2 (18): At Green Bay. Vs. Pittsburgh. If they don’t steal one of these games, they’re done.
21. VIKINGS-1-3 (13): I’m giddy for the Desperation Bowl on Sunday in Minny.
22. COWBOYS-1-3 (15): Even if Romo and Favre don’t look like they’re having fun out there.
23. SEAHAWKS-2-2 (25): If win in Chicago, they can go on a roll. More likely? They’ll lose a close one because Pete Carroll is fussing over his wind-mussed hair.
24. RAIDERS-2-3 (28): The Bruce Gradkowski vs. Jason Campbell debate is less interesting than CSPAN. Can we go back to arguing whether Al Davis is alive or not?
25. BRONCOS-2-3 (22): Has a 6-10 team ever had a 5,000-yard passer and a 1,800-yard receiver? Kyle Orton’s new nickname might have to be “The Garbage Man.”
26. BENGALS-2-3 (23): Hotlanta. Miami. Pittsburgh. Indy. Go straight to 2-7. Do not pass Go. Do not collect 200. Especially you, Carson Palmer.
27. LIONS-1-4 (30): They’ve scored 12 more points than their opponents and could probably win the NFC West by four games. Think the 49ers wouldn’t mind having Shaun Hill back?
28. RAMS-2-3 (24): Personally, I applaud the Rams for their generosity to Lions fans. Bravo. You saved 6 to 10 Detroit suicides this week, Steve Spagnolo.
29. BROWNS-1-4 (27): It’s weird to remember when the whole “Mangenius” nickname wasn’t sarcastic. It was a weird time. People still listened to R. Kelly. Andy Reid only had three chins. Brett Favre was still sexually harassing Wisconsin girls. Good times.
30. 49ERS-0-5 (29): Owner Jed York declared this week that they’d win the NFC West. Um, can you get a medical marijuana prescription for owning a shit show of a franchise?
31. PANTHERS-0-5 (31): Well, at least their GM didn’t mortgage their future with desperate draft day trades to save his job. Oh wait…
32. BILLS-0-5 (32): Ryan Fitzpatrick has a 99.9 QB rating, which just makes the Bills’ incompetence that much more impressive.